I check my grades online at least twice a day.
Before I head off to school, I have to double-check and make sure that I'm not missing any assignments. I look to see if the score for my math test is posted yet. No? Half an hour later, I'm checking again. I need to know.
I have all A's. I've always had all A's. The few times that I've slipped below that crucial 93%, the world has seemed to end. I found myself crying to my mom about how I'm not good enough. How my friends are prettier, smarter, cooler, more talented, BETTER than I am.
I'm sick today. I woke up with the nastiest headache and sore throat. My mom told me to stay home. She said I'd be OK, that I could easily catch up on anything that I missed. I ended up going to school anyway. I was tired all day and a bit of a grump. I found myself slipping out of focus more often than not, and I'm sure I looked a wreck. I could stay home tomorrow... but I'm too nervous.
Am I obsessed with perfect grades? Sure. Do I work hard enough to earn most of those grades? Sure. Will I continue to keep these exceptional grades? That's what I'm not so sure about.
I'm a constant stress case, BUT I procrastinate too much. If I didn't put everything off, I wouldn't have to stress so much. But doing the work itself stresses me out. It's a crazy cycle-- and I'm not quiiite sure what to do.
I actually really love school. I love learning and being with friends. I get to school half an hour early every day (my poor younger brother) just to be in the environment. I really truly adore it.
Then I remember how insecure I am and how much anxiety school causes me.
It's a battle between loving and hating school.
And it's hard!
But I'm lucky.
-hads
